Relationships within families play a big part in how children and teens feel about themselves (for example, self-esteem, confidence), lays the foundation for their success in relationships with peers, other adults (i.e., teachers, coaches), and even their own adult relationships.
We all come into the world seeking emotional closeness with our parents (and/or other primary caregivers) and as we grow beyond infancy we seek to explore our world. The first three months of life we don’t even realize that we are separate from our mother. It is the balance between exploring our world and remaining connected to those that care for us and about us that is the balance.
When the unique pattern of interaction between a parent (and/or primary caregiver) and an infant is established and both parent and child find an interaction enjoyable, this is described as attunement. When moments of sharing (parent & child/teen) a positive emotional (attune-ment) state occur, an interactive way of communication is established with your child and this promotes attachment. These unique patterns between a parent and child, when a parent responds to the child’s needs in a nurturing manner, demonstrate that the child’s needs will be met and establish trust and a sense of safety to go out and explore one’s world. This follows a child into adolescence and a teenager into adulthood.
References:
Biringen, Zeynep, Ph.D. (2004) Raising a Secure Child: Creating an Emotional Connection Between You and Your Child. New York, New York. Penguin Group. www.emotionalavailability.com
Perry, Bruce. M.D. www.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry. www.ChildTrauma. org

“We all come into the world seeking emotional closeness with our parents…”

THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS &
BUSY LIFESTYLES...WHERE’S THE BALANCE?

WHERE DOES THE “BUSY” COME FROM?

There is this belief in general society today that boredom is a “bad thing”. For some reason busy has come to equal productive, good.
The Value of Boredom
Ironically, it is a lack of external stimulation and solitude that facilitates creative play, a developmental milestone for social, cognitive, psychological, and emotional development. Often, a child will initially perceive this as "boredom." The child seeks structure and organization from parents or teachers — "I'm bored. I have nothing to do." And all too often we jump in too soon and make the mistake of creating the child's activities for him. We need to learn to let children become bored, because it is through this transient period of under-stimulation that their internal world can come alive. This process is facilitated by solitude — the opportunity to be alone and without too many external stimuli.
When a child cannot watch television, play video games, and is not participating in a scheduled "externally focused" activity, she will become more internally focused. Her imagination and creativity takes over. She will find and create "toys" from what is available — sticks become dolls, dolls become royalty, and these members of "royalty" become actors in the child's play — rocks become blocks, blocks become walls, and walls create castles.
There are commercials on television suggesting parents schedule time with their children for a vacation. Even a vacation can become “overscheduled”.
When is enough enough?
This a question central to parenting today and has risen to societal consciousness in the past decade. One Minnesota community even made national news by declaring an activity-free night so families could spend more unstructured time together.
Problems come with overscheduling, a few include less time to connect, decreased communication, less normalcy/routine, and nutrition impacted (fast food). Some of the time includes scheduling that is mandated by the courts, like visitation for a child when parents are divorced. Another problem comes when the parent starts to live vicariously through their child’s activities or invest too heavily in a fantasy about what your child can accomplish through them. Another problem is if you’re filling your time with “busyness” so as to avoid relating to each other as a family or to avoid feelings, including feeling, or having the child complain of feeling bored. A good clue that enough is enough is if a child starts not wanting to go to an activity week after week. Another is if you’re becoming increasingly irritable or frustrated at being the family cab driver.
Families often get caught up in the activity merry-go-round, at times, with the best of intentions. Some parents are overextended themselves, have unrealistic expectations, or are driven by unrealistic fear. Teenagers preparing for college often have numerous extracurricular activities to get into the college of their choice.
References:
Perry, Bruce. M.D. www.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry. www.ChildTrauma. Org
www.mcall.com/features/family/family project.

SUMMER 2006 NEWSLETTER

Special points of interest:
Learn the value of boredom.
Discern whether you or your family are “too busy”.
Identify what you can do to lessen your schedules.
Learning what you can do to help a family member with a problem.

Why would you bother to achieve the balance with family schedules? Having an imbalance typically increases stress levels for everyone in the family and results in members of the family seeking enjoyment and connection outside the family. Family life at times in and of itself can be busy. It is when you are intentionally and knowingly making it busier and potentially unmanageable that is an issue.
It is not that any activity is unhealthy. It is the balance between having activities, having time within the family to spend together, and time to not have to do anything at all. Activities can offer children meaningful and lasting friendships, teach the value of teamwork and sportsmanship, and provide children with skills, such as playing a musical instrument, problem solving skills, that will last a lifetime.
The balance is between structured and unstructured time. We have to ask ourselves as parents, “What messages do I want to relay to my children/teenagers?”, because actions do speak just as loud as words. If you schedule your child in an after-school activity every day of the week because you’re afraid he or she would eat junk food and play video games, then what message are you sending your child? Sounds like “you have to be busy or else your “down” time will lead to bad things. Doesn’t sound like a lot of confidence in your child or yourself as a parent.
There is pressure to “keep up with the Joneses” which can be physically and emotionally exhausting for all involved. This emphasizes the importance of examining what motivates a parent’s or a child’s reasoning for overscheduling. “Keeping up with the Joneses” is not a sound argument for overextending a family.
Sooner or later, children that are too busy will begin to show signs, as well as the parents will too. Every child or teenager is different, however some typical responses to being overscheduled are:
-feel tired, anxious, or depressed
-complain of physical symptoms of stress, such as headaches, stomachaches
-poor nutrition due to missed meals
-lack of sleep
-fall behind on their schoolwork, causing their grades to drop
-friendships and social lives can diminish
Caught soon, these are responses that can be remedied.
Reference:
www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/child_too_busy.html

Families often get caught up in the activity merry-go-round, at times, with the best of
intentions.

Achieving the balance or “Keeping Up with the Joneses”?

WHERE DOES THE “BUSY” COME FROM? (Continued)

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS &
BUSY LIFESTYLES...WHERE’S THE BALANCE?

SUMMER NEWSLETTER 2006

Achieving the balance doesn’t mean giving everything up. It means taking care of yourself so that you can enjoy that which you do.

Page #

There can be pressure from outside sources of the family for a child or teenager to continue involvement in numerous activities, from a coach, dance instructor, teachers, or employer even. However, it is important that as a parent you step back and make sure that your child is not on activity overload and that you try to achieve the balance.
The key is to schedule activities in moderation and choose activities with your child’s age, temperament, interests, and abilities in mind. As a parent, train yourself to make conscious decisions about what is scheduled. Depending on the age and interests of your child, you can set reasonable limits on extracurricular activities and help make them more enjoyable for both you and your child. Here are some simple suggestions:
-Agree on some ground rules before you sign up for too much (i.e., play one sport a season, or limit activities to two afternoons or evenings during the school week.
-Before you say yes or sign the permission form, make sure your child or teen knows how much time is required for an activity.
-Keep a calendar to stay organized; you can keep it on the fridge or other prominent spot in the house (your teen can write their own practices, etc.)
-Allow your child to miss one or two meetings to enjoy a beautiful day with the family.
-Try to carpool with other parents to make life easier.
-Try to balance activities for all of your children and yourself.
-Create family time. Make a plan so that everyone can be home for dinner at the same time– even if it means eating a little later. Make sure to schedule family fun time, that includes engagement (i.e., playing a board game, taking a walk). Television does not classify as engagement, a once-in-awhile activity allowed but not a regular “family time” activity.
-Set priorities. School should come first. If your child is having a hard time keeping up academically, your child may need to drop an activity.
-Know when to draw the line and say “no”. If your child is already doing a lot and really wants to participate in another activity, talk about what other activity or activities need to be dropped to make the desire one happen.
-Don’t underestimate the importance of downtime. Everyone needs a chance to relax, reflect on the day, or just do nothing. Even computers need to download information.
-Offer emotional support when a family member needs to express feelings.
References:
www.kidshealth.org/parent/positive/family/child_too_busy.html
California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists (CAMFT). June 23, 2006. www.newsrx.com/health-articles.

In the midst of trying to juggle everyone’s schedules, life goes on and family problems occur. At this point, it may be time to involve a professional counselor. Some of the most common family problems include:
-mental health problems such as depression, anxiety, or an addiction.
-major illness such as cancer.
-domestic violence
-divorce or stepfamilies.
-financial difficulties.
-favoring or ignoring family members.
-unwanted separation due to job or personal demands.
A mental health professional can assess, evaluate, and treat families with challenging situations, such as a depressed parent or a child that has experienced trauma. Therapy can help achieve peaceful and enjoyable living from sources of stress, such as coparenting after divorce, having to provide extensive care for a loved one or aging parent, and addressing grief and loss issues.
Reference:
California Association of Marriage & Family Therapists (CAMFT). June 23, 2006. www.newsrx.com/health-articles.

Create family time.
Make a conscious effort
to do something
together.

BEING ABLE TO IDENTIFY WHEN SOMETHING IS A “PROBLEM”

MANAGING ACTIVITY OVERLOAD

FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS &
BUSY LIFESTYLES...WHERE’S THE BALANCE?

SUMMER NEWSLETTER 2006

Page #

Contact a mental health professional if you’re concerned about a
family member.

PO Box 915
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SUMMER 2006 NEWSLETTER